I don't like being pregnant: when pregnancy isn't a good experience

You're not born a mother, you become one

In his song Papaoutai, Stromae writes: "Everybody knows how babies are made, but nobody knows how dads are made". The female converse is also true. While the maternal instinct exists without any possible contradiction, it is neither a given, nor an automatic, nor intrinsic to every woman. It is, or it is not. And when it isn't, a myth collapses. Often, even for women who don't feel it. "We're not born mothers, we become them", as women who've had or are having a hard time with their pregnancies know.

 While for some, these nine months are a long, tranquil river, for others, expecting a child is at best unpleasant, at worst leading to depression. But where does this feeling come from? How can pregnancy be experienced as a source of discomfort, fear or even pain? Because the desire for a child and the desire for pregnancy don't always go hand in hand, "I don't like being pregnant" is a legitimate statement, which in no way makes those who utter it bad mothers.

Pregnancy: a profound physical and psychological transformation

Pregnancy is an exceptional and overwhelming state. It's also unique, even if it occurs several times in a lifetime. Throughout the nine months it takes for life to settle in a woman's body, it goes through many intense states and equally radical changes. These transformations, not always desired, sometimes undergone, can be the source of unhappiness.

Pregnancy aches and pains

Pregnancy aches and pains, both visible and invisible, can be more or less disturbing. In the first trimester, nausea and fatigue are often intense. In the last trimester, urination and insomnia are too frequent, getting around on your own becomes difficult and stretch marks appear.

In the meantime, various pains (in the back, legs, pelvis, head...) are felt, sometimes so intensely that they take up all the space. For the first babies, there's often the fear of childbirth: that it will be long and painful, or that it won't go as planned.

Weight gain, even when it's not significant, can also become a problem, with body modifications that are difficult to accept. Some women feel as if they're leaving behind their pre-pregnancy body, their figure and, with it, a whole way of life.

An unprecedented psychological upheaval

Once the euphoria of the announcement and the first few weeks of pregnancy have passed, you become increasingly aware that life is growing inside you. From stressful in the face of the unknown, this not-yet-entirely-tangible reality can become oppressive. Food, lifestyle, medical appointments and check-ups...

Faced with the many demands placed on pregnant women, the feeling of loss of control can be disconcerting. Memories of painful past experiences can resurface. Miscarriage, aborted pregnancy, difficult delivery, traumatic stories...

These ordeals, experienced or recounted, are sometimes the source of extreme anguish, capable of overshadowing the happiness of a desired pregnancy. A difficult relationship with the mother, the absence of a father, things left unsaid, a painful childhood... pregnancy is often likened to an emotional tidal wave capable of bringing the most deeply buried wounds to the surface, plunging the woman who feels them into a sadness that's hard to understand.

Talking and expressing yourself to silence anxieties

To make the most of the next 9 months, try to identify and understand where your feelings are coming from. A good first step? Free yourself from the thoughts and advice you're bound to receive:

• "Wait, pregnancy is so fulfilling" (not necessarily)
• "You're weird not liking being pregnant" (no)
• "It'll come, you'll see" (so what if it doesn't?).

Ask your close friends and family. The fact that you're having a hard time with your pregnancy may be directly linked to your personal history. Talking about it can help you put your finger on the missing piece of the puzzle. The prenatal interview, which usually takes place at the end of the first trimester, is another opportunity to talk to your midwife or gynecologist and express your feelings.

Relieving the pressure of the "ideal pregnancy

Too often, pregnancy is idealized. First of all, allow yourself to experience this moment differently, and mourn the loss of pregnancy as you might have imagined it. Also tell yourself that this is only a temporary state, that it won't last and that it won't prevent you from being the best mother for your child.

You don't like being pregnant? Tell anyone who'll listen - or don't. Once the groundwork has been laid, you'll probably feel less need to justify yourself. The important thing is to make the most of the months leading up to your delivery.

Speaking out about a failed gynecological experience

More and more women are admitting it. They didn't like, or even hated, their pregnancy follow-up. Infantilization, derogatory remarks about their weight gain, their emotional state, their way of dealing with stress, lack of consideration for their choices, their opinions... Strong words and behaviors that can create discomfort, all the more so when they come from a healthcare professional.

When malaise runs deep: putting prenatal depression into words

Less and less taboo, postnatal depression, also known as the baby blues or post-partum depression, today recognizes the difficulty of the transition from mother to mother, following the birth of a child.

And yet, several studies show that untreated prenatal depression can lead to the baby blues. Uncontrollable stress, poor self-image, lack of confidence in one's own abilities, physical and sleep disorders, sadness, fatigue... These signs, benign if isolated and fleeting, can sound the alarm when they take hold.

Demystifying pregnancy!

Through your many messages, you let us know every day that there are no norms in terms of love, feelings, emotions and of course pregnancy. So yes, it's fair to say that while being pregnant offers magnificent breasts, blossoming curves and silky hair (thank you hormones), the aches and pains of pregnancy (stretch marks, nausea, fatigue, hemorrhoids, to name but a few), mean that you may not like being pregnant, which isn't all that surprising.

So, if you don't like your pregnancy, if you're dealing with post-partum depression or if, for you, unconditional love for baby wasn't born in the blink of an eye, rest assured, you're not alone.

Every mom, every mum to be, every mother warrior or blossoming mother has had her ups and downs, before, during or after pregnancy. Just as there's no such thing as a perfect mom, there's no such thing as a perfect pregnancy. Instead, because every mother is a natural, for every woman there are days that are sunnier than others, waking up more or less happy, and a reflection in the mirror that's sometimes hard to recognize and accept.

Together, let's demystify pregnancy. Let's put an end to injunctions and allow each of us to live our intimacy as we feel it.