I don't like being pregnant: when pregnancy is bad

One is not born a mother, one becomes one.

In his song Papaoutai, Stromae writes: "Everyone knows how babies are made, but no one knows how dads are made." The reverse is also true for women. While maternal instinct undoubtedly exists, it is neither a given, nor an automatic response, nor an intrinsic element of every woman. It either is, or it isn't. And when it isn't, a myth crumbles. This is often the case even for women who don't feel it. "One is not born a mother, one becomes one." Women who have had or are having difficult pregnancies know this.

While for some, these nine months are a long, calm river, for others, expecting a child is at best an unpleasant experience, at worst, leading to depression. But where does this feeling come from? How can we explain that pregnancy is experienced as discomfort, fear, or even pain? Because the desire for a child and the desire for pregnancy do not always go hand in hand, "I don't like being pregnant" is a legitimate phrase, which in no way makes those who utter it bad mothers.

Being pregnant, a profound physical and psychological transformation

Pregnancy is an exceptional and transformative experience. It is also unique, even though it occurs several times in a lifetime. Throughout the nine months it takes for life to establish itself in a woman's body, the body undergoes numerous intense states and equally radical changes. These transformations, not always desired, sometimes endured, can be a source of distress.

Pregnancy ailments

The visible and invisible discomforts of pregnancy can vary in severity. In the first trimester, nausea and fatigue are often intense . In the last trimester, frequent urination and insomnia can occur, moving around alone becomes difficult, and stretch marks begin to appear.

Meanwhile, various pains (in the back, legs, pelvis, head, etc.) are sometimes felt so intensely that they take over completely. For first babies, this is often compounded by... the fear of childbirth ; that it will be very long, painful, or that it will not go as planned.

Weight gain, even when it's not significant, can also become a problem, with bodily changes that are difficult to accept. Some women feel like they're leaving behind their pre-pregnancy body, their figure, and with it, an entire lifestyle.

An unprecedented psychological upheaval

Once the euphoria of the announcement and the first weeks of pregnancy have passed, the awareness becomes more and more powerful, life is growing within you. From being stressful in the face of the unknown, this not yet fully tangible reality can become oppressive. Food, lifestyle, medical appointments and examinations…

Faced with the numerous demands placed on pregnant women, The feeling of losing control can be disorienting. Memories of past painful experiences may resurface: miscarriage, pregnancy loss, difficult childbirth, traumatic stories…

These hardships, whether experienced or recounted, can sometimes cause extreme anxiety, capable of overshadowing the joy of a desired pregnancy. A difficult relationship with the mother, the absence of a father, unspoken issues, a painful childhood… Pregnancy is often likened to an emotional tidal wave capable of bringing the most deeply buried wounds to the surface, plunging the woman who feels them into a sadness that is difficult to understand.

Speaking, expressing oneself to silence anxieties

To try and make the best of the next 9 months, Try to identify and understand where your feelings come from. A good first step towards this? Free yourself from the thoughts and advice that will inevitably be offered to you:

• "Wait, pregnancy is so fulfilling" (not necessarily)
• "You're weird for not liking being pregnant" (no)
• "It'll come, you'll see" (and so what if it doesn't?)

Also, ask your loved ones, your family. The fact that you're having a difficult pregnancy may be directly linked to your personal history. Talking about it can help you pinpoint the missing piece of the puzzle. The prenatal appointment, which usually takes place at the end of the first trimester, is another opportunity to talk with your midwife or gynecologist and express your feelings.

Relieving the pressure of the "ideal pregnancy"

Too often, pregnancy is idealized. First and foremost, allow yourself to experience this moment differently and grieve the pregnancy as you may have imagined it. Also, remind yourself that this is only a temporary state, that it won't last, and that it won't prevent you from being the best mother for your child.

You don't like being pregnant? Tell anyone who will listen, or don't. Once the groundwork is laid, you'll probably feel less need to justify yourself. Make of that what you will. The important thing is that you make the most of the months leading up to your delivery.

Opening up the conversation about a failed gynecological experience

More and more women are admitting it. They didn't like, or even hated, their prenatal care. They were treated like children, subjected to hurtful remarks about their weight gain, their emotional state, their stress management, and a lack of consideration for their choices and opinions… These are harsh words and behaviors that can create discomfort, especially when they come from a healthcare professional.

When the distress is profound: putting words to prenatal depression

Postnatal depression, also called baby blues or postpartum depression, is becoming less and less taboo and is now recognized as a significant part of the transition from woman to mother after the birth of a child.

Gold, Several studies show that untreated prenatal depression can lead to postpartum depression. Uncontrollable stress, poor self-image, lack of confidence in one's own abilities, physical and sleep disturbances, sadness, fatigue… These signs, benign if isolated and temporary, can be a warning sign when they become persistent.

Let's demystify pregnancy!

Through your many messages, you let us know every day that there are no standards when it comes to love, feelings, emotions, and of course, pregnancy. So yes, we can say it: while being pregnant offers a beautiful bust, blossoming curves, and silky hair (thanks to hormones), the discomforts of pregnancy (stretch marks, nausea, fatigue, hemorrhoids, to name a few) mean that some people may not enjoy being pregnant, which isn't so surprising.

So, if you don't like your pregnancy, if you are facing postpartum depression or if, for you, unconditional love for baby did not come in the blink of an eye, rest assured, you are not alone.

All mothers, mums-to-be , all warrior or fulfilled mothers have experienced ups and downs, before, during or after their pregnancy. Just as there is no such thing as a perfect mother, there is no such thing as a perfect pregnancy. Instead, because all mothers are like nature, for every woman there are sunnier days than others, more or less joyful awakenings, and a reflection in the mirror that is sometimes difficult to recognize and accept.

Together, let's demystify pregnancy. Let's put an end to the pressure and allow ourselves to experience our intimacy, as we feel it.