Few taboos are as hard to bear as those of motherhood. So when a woman admits she regrets becoming a mother, she is often met with incomprehension. Fortunately, for her, for all the others and for mothers-to-be, the word gradually gets out, as awareness grows. Instead of the usual positive maternity, books, podcasts and testimonials are now also shedding light on the pain of being a mother. Like a straitjacket, motherhood is sometimes experienced as a confinement, bringing maternal regret in its wake.
CONTENTS
- What is maternal regret? What does it mean?
- Regretting motherhood is not regretting your child
- Motherhood is for life: maternal regret too?
What is maternal regret? What does it mean?
Maternal regret often takes the form of a feeling of weight, suffocation and/or obligation, leading young mothers to long for their life before motherhood. Since the birth of their child, they feel trapped in a role that is too heavy and restrictive. If they had it to do over again, they wouldn't.
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Astrid Hurault de Ligny, author of the book "Le regret maternel, quand le rôle de mère est trop lourd à porter" (Maternal regret: when the role of mother is too heavy to bear), published by Larousse. I never asked myself whether I wanted to be a mother or not. Really, I mean."
- In her book, "Mal de mères : 10 femmes racontent le regret d'être mère", published by JCLattès, journalist Stéphanie Thomas talks about the testimonies she received and the renunciation of freedom she experienced. The feeling of no longer existing, of being "just" a mother.
- Sociology doctor and teacher Orna Donath's book "Le regret d'être mère", published by Odile Jacob, tells the story of a world of stress, oppression and frustration told by 23 mothers, none of whom, given the choice, would repeat the experience of motherhood.
Regretting motherhood is not regretting your child
Yet women who regret motherhood love and care for their children. Psychologists and clinicians agree that maternal regret does not necessarily reflect on their mothers' love for them.
They don't regret being their child's mother, they regret becoming mothers. They regret the upheavals, the body that becomes damaged and fragile, the couple that struggles to regain its balance, the deprivations, the loss of carefreeness and freedom, as well as the maternal devotion induced by society. These women don't recognize themselves in the role of mother imposed on them.
Maternal regret is an inner, personal and intimate suffering, sometimes linked to childhood and its conscious or unconscious wounds, but also to society and its idealized vision of motherhood.
For Martine Teillac, psychoanalyst and author of the book "Vaincre la culpabilité" ("Overcoming guilt") published by Toucan, the myth of happy, fulfilled motherhood has become as powerful and cumbersome as that of Prince Charming.
Social pressure and mental workload: two factors denounced for maternal regret
Maternal blossoming, maternal happiness, maternal instinct... these are just a few examples of society's resolutely positive view of motherhood and its emotions. For example, many mothers who experience maternal regret confide that they had never consciously thought about their wish to have a child before seeing it born.
The couple, the passing years and the famous question: "So, when's the baby due? And finally, the trials, the pregnancy and the birth of a little baby who arrives almost "out of the blue". Because giving birth is part of the To Do List assigned to women by society, in culture, in the movies...
And then, as soon as the baby is born and even during the birth or at the end of the pregnancy, the questions and the weight of the mental load fall on the shoulders of the new mother. "Delivering a baby well, successfully breastfeeding, giving birth to a calm baby (why does he cry so often?), recovering quickly, getting back into shape, accepting visitors, smiling in photos, organizing medical appointments... in short, managing everyday life with a newborn.
While mothers can receive support during maternity and paternity leave, many of them say they soon find themselves alone with their baby. So, as Astrid Hurault de Ligny recounts, the first few weeks post-partum give way to depression and incomprehension: "Why can't I be happy like other moms?
Happy motherhood: another myth partly to blame
Testimonies about maternal regret underline another point: the difference between perception of motherhood and reality. Because maternal regret is taboo, but also because not wanting a child remains marginal for a woman, it remains rare for a mother to admit that she would have preferred to make another choice.
Like all other women, these mothers expected to live the happiest day of their lives, to be fulfilled. Instead, they face difficulties, fear, fatigue, pain... and a lack of understanding that adds to their sadness. The pressure on their shoulders is immense. In the end, the birth of their baby is not a monochrome of pink, but rather a dark shade of gray that sends them back to their guilt.
Testimonies collected in books and published on the Internet also refer to a feeling of imprisonment and obligation to maternal happiness. Phrases such as "you should have thought of that before having a child" are all too often used to counter these feelings.
Motherhood is for life: maternal regret too?
As every mother in the world knows, you're not born a mother, you become one. Matrescence explains this sometimes painful transitional state very well. But once you've taken that step, there's no turning back. So must the pain of maternal regret continue throughout life?
While maternal regret is closely linked to post-partum depression, unlike the latter, it is not an illness, but rather a malaise that is not cured, but gradually alleviated, until it subsides.
Reading and surrounding yourself to lighten the load of regret
Even if not liking being pregnant or experiencing maternal regret remain delicate subjects to broach, there's a lot of talk about the taboos of motherhood. The books cited in this article are proof of this, as are the growing number of published articles and podcast episodes on the subject.
Because everything starts with awareness, if the maternity ward, the PMI or your doctor don't detect anything, but you feel the unease growing inside you, look for it. Look for a clue, an answer, a possibility, an explanation for your sadness after the birth of your baby.
On social networks, the hashtags #monpostpartum and #regretmaternel are other avenues to explore, enabling you to find testimonials and chat with other women in the same situation as you.
Talking to avoid passing on regret
Whatever the situation, it's important to speak up. That's why you need to surround yourself with understanding people who can offer you a listening ear without judgment. These can be people close to you, but also experienced professionals or strangers, as is the case on forums, for example.
As you talk, you may discover that the renunciations of motherhood can offer other opportunities; perhaps well hidden, but present all the same.
By speaking out, you help to lift the taboo and enable other women to recognize themselves in your words and through your feelings.
But above all, by opening up, you let go of negative feelings, frustration, some of the regret... You lighten your burden and that of your child. Talking is a balm for the heart that we sometimes recognize too late.
Get organized and enjoy quality time together
On a European scale (and more specifically in France, Great Britain, Spain, Italy and Germany), a study carried out by YouGov in 2022, shows that around 10-15% of couples questioned regret having had a child. However, the figures also show that regret becomes less prevalent over time.
Is there a parallel between the deprivation of experiences expressed by women who feel maternal regret? Undoubtedly.
Motherhood, like life, is partly about giving up. However, organizing your daily routine can help you make the most of every moment with as little frustration as possible. Consult your diary and that of your partner or the people accompanying you. Set aside family time, one-on-one time with your child, with the person who shares your life, and time just for you, or another adult will take over.
Of course, this organization will change and evolve. But the simple fact of having time for oneself and sharing the mental load can help to lighten the weight of maternal regret, and gradually learn to love this new life and this new version of oneself.
