Separation anxiety: how to manage it for a peaceful back-to-school - Élhée

Separation anxiety: how to manage it for a peaceful start to the new school year

For babies, toddlers, older children and even parents, the start of the new school year is synonymous with a change of pace, novelty and, very often, separation. It can be a complicated time, generating stress and a host of emotions. Little arms tightening, lips twisting, tears beading and parents' hearts clenching. Because these symptoms sometimes extend beyond the first day of school, let's find out together how to deal with separation anxiety.

CONTENTS : 

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a recognized stage in babies' development, generally appearing around the age of 8 months. At this age, babies begin to recognize faces and to combine memory and comprehension.

So, when a baby loses his main reference points (his parents), he may panic and start crying. In an unfamiliar environment, his reaction can be even stronger and more difficult to manage. This is why your pediatrician may have advised you against scheduling your baby's entry into day nursery around the eighth month.

But separation anxiety can also manifest itself earlier or later, or reappear from time to time, especially at the start of the school year. For older children, this is known as separation anxiety.

How does this fear manifest itself in babies?

separation anxiety and transitional objects

When he doesn't see you, your baby cries. When he arrives at nursery in the morning, he refuses to leave your side. From one day to the next, he no longer wants to go to school, and is even reluctant to stay with his grandparents, where everything was going well until now. He also smiles less readily at people he doesn't know. Finally, he finds it hard to stay alone in bed and wakes up more frequently than usual.

Often, when you pretend to leave, or simply move him from one room to another, he cries loudly, stretches out his arms, clings to you or gets angry. If you entrust him to other arms, he shows his fear and disapproval. This is separation anxiety. Both babies and children can experience this feeling with varying degrees of vehemence.

Separation anxiety does not always manifest itself in the same way towards both parents. A baby may even cry when entrusted to the parent who is less present at his or her side. Here, it's thebond of attachment, routine, habits and familiar, reassuring gestures that do the talking. This reaction, sometimes difficult for the parent who encounters it, requires patience, but does not prevent the creation of a solid, reassuring bond.

So, if you feel your little one is becoming progressively destabilized, if you see that departures are becoming more and more complicated, trust yourself and, if you can, take more time, resume the adaptation phases, or postpone entry into the community altogether. Only you know what's best for your baby 🤎

8 tips for a smooth start to the new school year, right from nursery school

  1. Communicate with your child, even when he's just a toddler. Beyond words, babies are permeable to emotions. Gently explain that you're off to work, that he's off to nursery and that you'll be meeting up afterwards.
  2. Give your baby time markers and explain what you'll be doing this afternoon or evening when you're together again. If he's a little older, you can also count the number of sleeps he's had before crèche, to prepare him.
  3. Play peek-a-boo! Disappear and reappear to show your baby there's no need to worry. 
  4. Organize a gentle first separation by entrusting your child to his grandparents for a day, a night or a weekend.
  5. Take advantage of the adaptation period offered by the nursery to move forward smoothly and get to know each other. From a few minutes to a full or half day, baby discovers his new environment step by step.
  6. Create routines to reassure your baby. Routines help your child to establish his or her bearings. To set them up more easily, always follow the same routine before leaving for day nursery. For example, take out the car seat, dress baby, prepare his changing bag and give him a cuddle.
  7. At the nursery, avoid "disappearing" while your child is playing or not looking at you. He'll be surprised and even more anxious when he realizes it.
  8. Rely on transitional objects such as a cuddly toy or a baby's bottle. While infants think of themselves as one with their mother, transitional objects enable them to gently detach themselves from their mother and better manage separation anxiety.

What if baby cries at every separation?

what is separation anxiety?

If seeing your baby cry is always a difficult moment to get through, once at nursery or school, hang in there and don't change your plans.

Remind her that you'll be back very soon and that everything will be fine. Say goodbye and leave. While it's best to avoid leaving quickly, leave "firmly" and don't procrastinate when it's time to close the door. Your calm and serene attitude will eventually reassure your baby too.

Finally, remember that the situation often gets better very quickly, and trust the multidisciplinary team to know how to react and console your baby. 

Why are first separations so difficult?

You've carried your baby for 9 months, and you've just shared weeks and even months of bonding with him. You're about to go back to work, which you may not be happy about, and you have to entrust your baby to someone else for the day. It's normal for the first separations to be difficult.

Even when you're older, you still feel the need to protect your child from outside worries. Experience speaks for itself, exacerbating your mother hen or mother wolf side. You'd like to keep your child close to you at all times, in the bosom of your arms, where he'll be safe.

Your personal history is also important. If your childbirth went badly, if you know of a traumatic event linked to the birth of a child... These emotional shocks can awaken in you a fear of separation which reappears (among other things) at the start of each new school year.

Separation anxiety at age 3: how to prepare for kindergarten?

separation anxiety in kindergarten

In older children, it's more a question ofseparation anxiety. On special occasions, such as the start of the school year, the child feels a strong fear of being separated from his or her parents. In the vast majority of cases, this fear subsides on its own. When it doesn't, we sometimes speak of anxiety disorders.

5 tips to make your child's life at school easier

  1. Listen to your child, welcoming his doubts and anxieties. This will help them to put their feelings into perspective (in their own way).
  2. Imagine a new rhythm together, punctuated by pleasant moments that will help him enjoy his new days: brioche for breakfast, a walk in the park after school...
  3. For older children in primary or junior high school, schedule some revision in the days leading up to the start of the new school year. This is a useful precaution to relieve the stress associated with teachers and learning.
  4. Cultivate optimism- everything's going to be fine! Even if you know that little hiccups can always happen, there's no need to anticipate. The positive often attracts the positive.
  5. Silence your own anxieties, the ones that come up every time school starts and stem from past experiences. Even if most children experience the same situations, there's no reason why your child should have to relive yours.

Parental stress: 4 tips to help you keep things in perspective

back-to-school stress for parents
  1. Set aside the first day of school (or morning) to help your child get ready and accompany him to the crèche or school. He'll be more confident, and you'll be more reassured.
  2. Be serene and self-assured. The nursery/school is fine, everything's going to be fine. If necessary, tell your child who to see and what to do. For your part, don't hesitate to call the crèche for the first few days to check on your baby.
  3. Slip a comforter, pacifier or note into your child's bag for his first day of growing up. He'll find them and take them out again when he needs them.
  4. Trust the adults on site. The experienced nursery nurses at the crèche or the teaching staff at the school are there to look after your child in your absence.
And because the start of the new school year is always best accompanied by someone else, Élhée has put together alist of albums and books for youto read as a family, to help you put things into perspective and familiarize yourself, at any age, with this new community environment. 
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