You're about to have, or have just had, a baby. You already love them deeply, with that unique love that overwhelms you as a new or expectant mother. And yet, sometimes, when you think about them or when you're with them, thoughts emerge. Thoughts you didn't choose and don't dare to speak to anyone about. "What if I dropped them?" "What if I lost control?" "What if I snapped?" These intrusive thoughts have a name: impulsive phobias. And if you're experiencing them, know that you are far, very far from being alone.
Table of Contents
- What is an impulsive phobia?
- Pregnancy and postpartum: why is this period so conducive?
- What impulsive phobias can look like
- Rest assured, your baby is safe with you
- How impulsive phobias affect your daily life
- When should you be concerned?
- Keys to finding peace and a more serene parenthood
What is an impulsive phobia?
According to the French National Academy of Medicine, impulsive phobia refers to the fear of losing self-control and performing absurd, inappropriate, or even dangerous acts for oneself or others. It manifests as thoughts that arise unbidden and cross your mind.
During pregnancy or after childbirth, these thoughts often take the form of frightening scenarios for mothers: you imagine dropping your baby, that they drown during their bath, or that you harm them in some way.
What characterizes them is precisely their involuntary nature and their contradiction to the deep values of the person experiencing them.
Impulsive phobias: thoughts and perceptions
Impulsive phobias are not just thoughts. They are also sensations. A tightening in the stomach, dizziness... involuntary reactions that you observe from the outside, as if they didn't really come from you.
These bodily sensations can be very unsettling. However, they are only the physical translation of your anxiety. They predict nothing and prove nothing beyond your body reacting to fear.
Good to know: impulsive phobias are part of the large family of OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders) and are a symptom of anxiety that responds very well to treatment.
Pregnancy and postpartum: why is this period so conducive?
The perinatal period is a journey. Biological, emotional, and identity-related, it sees the body transform, hormones fluctuate, sleep fragment, and most personal and family landmarks change. Your identity itself evolves; you are no longer just you, you also become a mother.
Added to this is a new responsibility, that of your child, entirely dependent on your relationship. A combination that creates a state of hypervigilance.
Furthermore, pregnancy and the arrival of a child are among the most stressful life events according to the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, even when they are desired and joyful. It's therefore no coincidence that certain anxiety disorders manifest precisely at this time.
These factors that expose us
Most new mothers go through a period of vulnerability after childbirth. But certain conditions can favor the onset of intrusive thoughts.
- Extreme fatigue and lack of sleep impair the brain's ability to filter thoughts and put things into perspective.
- Isolation, frequent after the end of paternity leave.
- A tendency towards perfectionism or a strong sense of responsibility.
- A history of anxiety or depression.
- A difficult or traumatic birth experience.
- Sometimes, a personal history marked by violence or trauma.
Note: these factors are neither necessary nor systematic. Many parents experience impulsive phobias without any particular history.
What impulsive phobias can look like
For some women, they manifest as a sudden concern while bathing their baby. For others, it's a discomfort when passing a window or warming the next bottle. Often, it's an ephemeral image that crosses the mind and leaves a feeling of panic even after it's gone.
What they often lead to
These thoughts are frequently accompanied by avoidance behaviors or checking behaviors such as:
- avoiding being alone with their baby,
- repeatedly checking that baby is breathing during sleep,
- constantly seeking approval from those around them,
- avoiding certain daily gestures such as bathing, changing, or car rides...
This is the paradox: you love your child, so the idea of harming them is unbearable. But the more unbearable it seems, the more your brain clings to it. The thought then takes on an exaggerated emotional weight, far greater than what it truly represents.
Rest assured, your baby is safe with you
On this subject, specialists are clear: these thoughts do not lead to acting on them. The fear you feel is precisely what protects you from it. The intense distress and guilt demonstrate precisely the absence of a desire to act.
As Paolo Cordera, psychotherapist at HUG, explains on RTS, they occur precisely because you want to protect your child at all costs. As proof, they generally trigger a feeling of panic and shame.
- "A thought remains a thought. It reflects neither a desire, nor an intention, nor one's personality."
Impulsive phobias are actually a defense mechanism of the brain that protects you by showing you what you absolutely do not want to do.
How impulsive phobias affect your daily life
The real danger lies in the distress they cause and their repercussions on daily and family life.
The spiral of anxiety
It's not impossible that the more you try to banish these thoughts, the more present they will be in your mind. This is the vicious circle characteristic of OCD: anxiety feeds intrusive thoughts, which in turn feed anxiety. On Les Maternelles, some mothers explain being unable to concentrate, seized with panic at all times, and even unable to sleep even when their baby is sleeping.
Isolation
Many mothers also describe a deep feeling of loneliness. The shame that prevents them from speaking, the fear of being judged and having their baby taken away, all contribute to it in turn.
This loneliness often worsens when paternity leave ends. Moreover, in her thesis " Consequences of impulsive phobias on the postpartum experience " Cléa Lochin, a midwife, indicates that intrusive thoughts often appear or intensify at this precise moment.
And then there's that even more particular loneliness, felt in front of her partner: "If he knew what was going through my mind, he would leave with the baby. He would think I'm dangerous. He would never leave me alone with our child again."
So, expectant mothers and new mothers affected by impulsive phobias bear the immense weight of their anxiety alone.
The impact on your bond with your baby
These thoughts can prevent you from fully enjoying the first moments with your little one. You avoid cuddles, bath time, moments of intimacy... for fear of what might happen. The attachment bond, so precious, risks suffering as a result.
When should you be concerned?
Intrusive thoughts themselves are not dangerous. They are involuntary, brief, and do not reflect a deep desire or a loss of control. In most cases, they disappear on their own, especially if you are reassured and supported.
Warning signs to look out for
Certain signs indicate it's time to seek help:
- When thoughts become too frequent and return every day.
- If they persist for several weeks without diminishing.
- If they prevent you from enjoying the bond with your baby.
- When they are so intense that they cause a feeling of rejection or a fear of being alone with your child.
- If a persistent sadness and a feeling of inadequacy set in.
- If fatigue does not resolve despite rest.
Important: if these thoughts are accompanied by postpartum depression, treatment becomes even more necessary. Impulsive phobias and postpartum depression are often linked.
Keys to finding peace and a more serene parenthood
The good news? For many mothers, these thoughts diminish with time, rest, and support. And when they persist, impulsive phobias respond very well to treatment, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).
The first step: breaking the silence
What often prevents mothers from getting better is shame. Fortunately, it's possible to alleviate it in two ways:
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Understand that these thoughts are a symptom of an anxiety disorder, not a reflection of an intention.
-
Talk about it, first to oneself, to admit it, then to others, a friend, one's doctor, even if it's difficult.
Talking to a caring healthcare professional is essential. And if you don't feel ready to tell everything, know that there are forums available: the AFTOC (French Association for People with OCD) offers free and anonymous support groups for parents, in person or via videoconference, and the Maman Blues association welcomes mothers experiencing perinatal difficulties.
The second step: finding the therapy that works
To break free from this vicious cycle, CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) is often recommended. It offers various exercises that help to deactivate the emotions associated with intrusive thoughts.
Other complementary approaches
- Sophrology and meditation, to calm the mind.
- Writing, to put emotions on paper.
- In some cases, medication may be offered.
Are fathers also affected?
It is important to emphasize that fathers can also experience intrusive phobias; however, perinatal OCD in fathers remains largely underdiagnosed.
If you are affected, talking about it might seem insurmountable. But know that you are not alone, that these thoughts do not make you a bad father, and that the same support that helps mothers also works for you.
Intrusive thoughts that can be pushed away
As we have seen, impulsive phobias are not an inevitability. These disturbing thoughts above all indicate that you are exhausted, that you bear an immense responsibility, and that you love your child so much that the idea of harming them is unbearable.
At Élhée, we believe in enlightened and benevolent parenting towards oneself as much as towards one's baby. Because taking care of yourself is above all essential for also taking care of them.
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