It's a fact that the birth of a child is one of life's high points, rich in upheaval and emotions of all kinds. And what many families describe as perhaps their greatest joy - the arrival of a baby - can sometimes lead to the most profound distress. This is baby clash, a period of crisis that can be fatal to a couple. While many parents find themselves confronted with it, young mothers all too often take the blame: extreme fatigue, reduced libido, a fused mother-child relationship, an explosion of mental workload... When the birth of a baby weakens the couple, how can a new balance be found?
CONTENTS
- Baby clash: recognizing the first signs of turbulence
- Fatigue, new challenges and lack of intimacy: the main causes of baby clashes
- Baby clash: sometimes irreversible consequences on the lives of many couples
- How can you overcome the baby clash and find a new balance as a threesome?
Baby clash: identifying the first signs of turbulence
What is baby clash? If "collision" is a possible translation for the word "clash", then baby clash is the marital crisis that some couples go through on the arrival of a child, often their first. It's a real collision between their pre-baby life as a couple and their post-baby life as a threesome.
According to an ELABE survey of 501 mothers with at least one child under the age of 6, carried out for the WeMoms app, 66% of the women questioned had experienced conflict and tension with their partner around the birth of their child. 20% of couples even admitted to having been on the verge of separation.
Another study, this time carried out by IFOP for the Sleepyz.fr website among 1,001 parents of children under 3, reveals thatone parent in two has felt like breaking up after the birth of a child. 16% of them have actually broken up.
As for how long the baby clash lasts, the specialists, doctors and psychologists, say anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Alyson F. Shapiro (San Diego State University) and John M. Gottman (Relationship Research Institute, Deer Harbor, Washington) have shown, through their work on theevolution of couples' communication during the transition to parenthood, that the most positive results appeared almost a year after the baby's arrival.
Fatigue and lack of intimacy: the main causes of baby clashes
The birth of a child, the discovery of parenthood, the changes in body and mind... together, these aspects constitute a new dance that your couple, now a family, must recognize and learn to practice.
- Fatigue, exhaustion and mental workload
The birth of a child is a real revolution, especially if it's your first baby. After giving birth, you're more than likely to feel tired, in addition to your pregnancy fatigue. If, under normal circumstances, a bad night's sleep can result in a grumpy awakening, the combined effect of hormones, physical fatigue and mental fatigue provides fertile ground for arguments and other unpleasant remarks.
- Lack of privacy after birth
Back from motherhood, your body has changed, and so have your concerns. You're naturally more concerned with your role as a mother than as a woman. Your partner, for his part, may find this new body more difficult to cope with. He or she may be afraid of hurting you, or have difficulty approaching you. Also,the presence of a baby can sometimesdisrupt your moments of intimacy. Feelings and reactions that further complicate your relationship as a couple.
- New organization, new challenges and new responsibilities
From now on, life is no longer for two, but for three. Everyone has new obligations. Three days after the birth of your baby, back at home, you have to get up at night when you're dreaming of sleeping, change diapers when you'd like to take care of yourself, go to the doctor and pediatrician when you're both tired, and completely overhaul your organization... These obligations, even when known and anticipated, can create friction which, if repeated and amplified by fatigue and lack of intimacy, can lead to baby clash.
Baby clash: sometimes irreversible consequences on the lives of many couples
Many authors, specialists and parents agree that all couples experience difficulties at the birth of a child. More or less intense, more or less long-lasting, this turbulence requires everyone to get in tune. Without this, the consequences of a baby clash can be serious and, in the most difficult cases, irreversible.
- The couple's communication, exchanges and complicity may be impoverished.
- Unspoken words and resentments are likely to fester for a long time.
- Instead of seeing their love strengthened by the birth of their baby, some couples grow apart.
- In the face of exhaustion, older wounds can surface.
- Baby-clash leads some new parents to choose to separate.
How can you overcome the baby clash and find a new balance as a threesome?
A crisis after the birth of a child is not to be taken lightly. If it takes hold, the whole family bubble risks bursting or, at the very least, declining. If baby clash is to be avoided, the couple must move in the same direction.
Finding strength in communication
Most difficulties can be avoided or overcome by listening and communicating. Avoid keeping your feelings to yourself and express them, especially if they concern your relationship. Talk to the person who has always been your ally, accept that your life is changing and that each of you must find your new place in what is now a trio, not just a duo.
Building self-confidence as a new mother
There's nothing better for your self-esteem than taking time for yourself. From birth to around 3 months, your baby sleeps between 15 and 20 hours a day, giving you plenty of time to find your own rhythm. Forget the chores, the housework and the housekeeping, and give yourself all the space you need to get through the matresence.
Take care of yourself, practice self-massage, make an appointment with an osteopath, hairdresser or beauty salon, read, listen to your favorite music, dance, play video games... Enjoy all the things you already loved before you decided to become a parent.
4 tips to help your couple after baby's birth
- BEFORE the birth, take advantage of your pregnancy to learn together about the baby clash, the difficulties that may arise, your fears and your expectations as a future parent.
- After pregnancy, think of yourself, but also of your relationship. Take advantage of your baby's naps to talk, to sleep in each other's arms, to watch a good film together (even if it means falling asleep in front of it) and to be kind to each other.
- Don't lose yourself in parenthood. You were a couple before your child was born, and even before that, you were an individual. If today you're also a mother, you're still a spouse and a woman too.
- Keep time for yourself and time for two, alternating between sleeping in, going to the gym, going out with friends and even, why not, weekends away from home. If you can, ask your parents or close friends to take over with your child once in a while. Can't make it? Perhaps you could take a day off during the week to be together? The idea is for you to find yourselves in love "as before", even though you've become parents.
Outside help
Despite your best efforts, there may be times and emotions that are too difficult to deal with on your own. You probably have friends or family you can count on to talk to and take a breather. If that's not enough, talk to your doctor, consult a therapist - alone or as a couple - or take to the social networking groups dedicated to baby clashes.
In short, take care of yourself at all times, including during your pregnancy and even more so during your postpartum period. Find out more about baby clashes. Talk to your partner and express your emotions without waiting for them to turn into reproaches. Take advantage of your baby's naps to rest and spend time together. Remember that before you became parents, you were each half of a couple, and even before that, independent people. Be kind to each other and, while you can, let go. Despite this turbulence, everything's going to be fine, and together you can make it.
